absent Friends

I was grumbling to the Systems Administrator only yesterday that the Royal Academy had been remiss in not trying to find out why I had ceased my annual subscription to the Friends of the RA, or persuading me to rejoin.  Lo, this morning's post brought me a letter from one of their Trustees, a missive so gushing as to make Johnnie Boden's marketing messages sound like the forced stuttering of a painfully introverted recluse.  It ran as follows:

Dear Mrs [my name]

I'm here to administer a friendly verbal spanking: don't enjoy it too much or feel too scolded - it seems that you've let your Friends membership lapse.  That means you have missed out on free entry to some of the most remarkable exhibitions of recent years in the greatest exhibition spaces in London.  No, the world.  We thought friendship was for life, no?

However, all is not lost - now is the perfect time to make up and be Friends again.  The RA has so much more to offer since your last visit.

We've opened new galleries in Burlington Gardens for a start!  We're going back to the swinging Sixties this summer with an exhibition on the photography of the multi-talented Hollywood legend Dennis Hopper, followed by a look at the work of pop-art pioneer Allen Jones RA.  While over in our Piccadilly stomping ground, we have some seriously big shows on the horizon.  In September, we're presenting a major retrospective on Anselm Kiefer.  His work is quite simply: epic.  The man never shies away from controversy, constantly seeks new challenges and works in whole range of media - the result of which is an astonishing body of work created over more than 40 year.

We'll then be hurtling into 2015 with a whopper of an exhibition in the form of Rubens and his Legacy.  Not only will we be gathering together some of this great artist's famous works but we'll also be showing masterpieces by Cezanne, Turner, Picasso, Rembrandt and more, as we examine the Rubens legacy.

If that isn't enough to tempt you back into our arms, you should also know about my new favourite Mayfair haunt - the Keeper's House.  Tucked away in our courtyard this elegant hideaway is there for your every social whim, whether it be debauched cocktails, a rather refined afternoon tea or an indulgent supper.  As a Friend, you have a stylish, comfortable, friendly West End oasis right in the heart of the West End - all for a price that has already given you so much.

So, I hope that is more than enough to convince you to befriend us once more, and remember you can also bring a family guest and up to four family children on each visit.

See you there.  If you spot me and tap me on the shoulder and say "Kiefer" I'll buy you and your party each a cocktail of their choice.  You can't say fairer than that!

Warmest, friendly wishes,

Stephen Fry
Trustee of the Royal Academy Trust

Since they hadn't asked why I'd ceased to subscribe as a Friend I thought I'd write back and tell them anyway.  Out of respect to the institution, and because I'd sealed the letter before spotting a major typo and had to redo it, I will not use their Freepost envelope but pay for my own stamp.

Dear Stephen Fry

We have not been introduced, and I must admit I found it rather off-putting to receive a letter from you threatening to administer a friendly verbal spanking.  I have to confess, I am not a fan of your particular unique brand of arch comedy.

May I explain to you and your friends at the Friends that I did not accidentally allow my Friends membership to lapse?  No, I deliberately ended it as a direct result of changes instigated by the Royal Academy to the conditions of friendship.

Firstly, you started requiring me to book in advance for the most popular exhibitions.  Now I live in the countryside, unbelievable as that must seem to an urban sophisticate such as yourself.  The train service to London is not always very reliable, and on lovely sunny days I like to play in the garden instead of travelling up to spend the day in the great smoke.  I did not find it at all convenient to have to decide in advance when I was going to see the best exhibitions, instead of being able to pop in when travelling conditions and the weather were propitious.  You do not state in your marketing material whether you have retained this exceptionally irritating rule.

Secondly, you introduced the requirement that my guest must be a family member.  I believe this was determined by changes to the taxation regime.  As the illustrious chair of QI, you with your brain the size of a planet, will see that it is a nonsensical rule.  Who is a relation, after all?  My brother?  My brother-in-law?  My stepfather’s step-son son by his first marriage?  My husband being mainly of a cricket-loving persuasion, I tend to visit art galleries with my friends.  It is amusing to speculate how we might claim to be related, should anyone at the Royal Academy enquire, but I don’t see why I should be required to start telling fibs in the course of a day out.

You will be pleased to know that I continue my support of the visual arts in the UK through membership of the Art Fund, and the Tate, which curiously does not seem to have any hang-ups about relatives.

Warmest, friendliest wishes

 [my name]

If I hear back from my new chum Stephen Fry I'll let you know, but I'm not holding my breath.